i haven't always had the greatest relationship with myself and thus my relationship with food also suffered. positive self image was a struggle- the idea of being comfortable in my own skin was completely foreign. i dont have an exact moment to describe where the struggle began, but if i dig deep enough I can deduce that it probably came from the misconception that I was unwanted as a child.
my biological mother left me when I was two and when I was 4 my biological father was deemed unfit as his priorities were anything but fatherhood so i was left in the capable care of his parents. now this is not to say i wasn't given love and adoration because i was, but a seed of unworthiness was planted at this pivotal point in early childhood because the people who gave me the very breath of life walked away from their parental role.
this implantation of self image- worth- value- somehow deemed my existence as inadequate. my very being- my soul, the depths of my spirit, even at this young age knew inadequacy wasn't an accurate picture of my being but the seed had already began to root and as a young babe- i only knew what was true based on the concrete facts and feelings and experiences conjured from the two people who were supposed to comfort and nurture me, leaving me behind.
this translated itself in forms of people pleasing, passive withholding and burying of my true feelings and opinions and over extending of myself until i literally face planted from lack of steam. i would go to great lengths to ensure the people around me seemed satisfied so i could find some sort of comfort in knowing they wouldnt walk out of my life. it also translated into a loss of my core being- my sense of who i truly was and the way in which i looked at myself which in turn meant the way i looked at the world. i walked all over my emotions, discredited my feelings, negated my self image and reduced who i was as a being to basically nothing by ensuring everything i was molded and morphed into what everyone else needed so that i could be surrounded by others, even if that form of company was really undesirable.
because of my lack of sense of self and my own worth, i couldnt take a compliment to save my life. i didnt see what others saw especially when it was something nice. dismorphia at its finest. i didnt really have an eating disorder per say- i ate all over the place and kept extremely busy with sports and activities BUT i also didnt have a healthy relationship with food or those activities i was involved in either. i didnt like what i saw but i didnt really do much to change it. instead, i sat and wallowed in guilt for what i ate. for my inaction of "burning hundreds of calories," and an inability to nourish my mind + soul, thus an inability to nourish my body. this kind of torture- the guilt, the self-deprecation, the stress of it all really began my new journey around 13 years old where i lived in a constant state of discomfort.
my stomach hurt day in and day out. it didnt matter what i ate, didnt eat, what time of the day it was, what form it came in- my stomach hurt. i literally stressed myself into an all day agony. but back then i didnt connect how i was feeling physically to how i was feeling mentally. but what i did know is that i was uncomfortable. i knew how i wanted to be. i knew i essentially was light and love. i knew i didnt have to be such a worrier- that i could be care free but it still was mostly a facade trying to manifest itself within all the crud that dimmed my light.
and it all came out in physical form. i would just regurgitate the bullshit i was trying to feed myself.
i would throw up. i would be bloated and constipated and with the flip of a switch i would then have to run for the restroom. i went to dr. after dr. trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me and kept coming up short of anything close to an answer for my discomfort. this went on for years. and years. and years. i tried different ways of eating. i tried eliminating things. i tried adding things. i tried starving myself because the thought of food raised a fear of agonizing pain to my insides.
finally, about 6 years ago- so some odd 16 years later i went on an internal plunge to the deepest depths of my soul to clean out chaos, noise, attachments, resentments, self-loathing, and any other bullshit down there that didnt serve me. i literally cleansed my soul and spirit. i got rid of any and everything that was dark. i forgave myself and others. i just let it all go. i let that crap free of its hold on me. i started changing my perspective of the world. i started using affirmations and positive thoughts.
and after hundreds of hours of practice and many moons and years of growth, soul searching and wisdom gaining- today i stand knowing the TRUTH. knowing my value, my worth and it lives based on intrinsic elements within my soul that no one can take away from me. because of this, I am equipped to accurately respond whenever that seed of doubt and unworthiness shows up. because it does, from time to time. but i have done the work. i have journeyed through building a solid foundation of what is REAL. and i am able to sweep away any bullshit that comes my way.
my mental + heart space are clear and solid. its built strong and deep. and that has translated into the form of now also a healthier physical form. my stomach is more tolerant and steady. i have less issues with digestion. i can actually feel and respond to what my body needs because all of the mental and emotion shit is gone. its quiet and im able to listen. im more in tune with my ness. but this took years of practice and it isnt without saying that there are still physical ups and downs. i really ran the shit out of my body for almost 20 years. i have autoimmune diseases that contribute to a turbulent digestive pattern but now i at least know, recognize and honor the signs.
i am in tune with my body. i am in tune with my mind. i am in tune with my soul and spirit. the connection is one in the same. but we must be able to practice- to do the work internally to find our physical answers. its been a journey. but im in control now of my life. its not in control of me.